I dont trust myself

I used to put all of my trust in myself. I thought no one else was worthy of my trust, so that was my best bet. When I would put my trust in others, they would betray it. When I put my trust in things, a hurricane swept them away. When I put my trust in money, I lost my job and went broke. Each one of those moments not only stripped my ability to trust in those things they also chipped away at my ability to trust in God.

How could a loving God let all of these tragic things (and many more) happen to me? 

As the years of heartbreaks and disappointment piled up, I began to let bitterness and resentment build up. 

I began to believe in, hope in, take refuge in, and run to me and only me while shutting any and everyone else out. I built so many walls. My heart looked like a labyrinth, complete with trapped doors and false entries meant to keep any intruder who had made their way in at bay. 

I felt alone, so I made myself alone.

I began using my anger over the pain as the ultimate justification for my own selfish actions. Everything was seen through my eyes. Everything needed to be my way. All things needed to be controlled by me.

If it wasn't about me. I wasn't about it. And my reasoning was, "No one ever cared about me, so why should I care about them."

Then I crashed head first into God's love. 

His real love. The love that had no beginning and no end. The love that stays even when you walk away. The love that is beyond anything a person is capable of bestowing.

In the face of the intimate knowledge of God, all I could do was fall on my knees and let go. I spent so much time focused on what had happened to me, holding tight to the anger, that I had blocked his sweet spirit from my life. In order to receive him, I had to let go of the past. And, over the course of a year, I did. Apology or no, every person was added to a list of the forgiven and their offense was thrown into the sea of forgetfulness. 

What I didn't expect was the harsh reality that awaited me on the other side of healing. Once I had set my pain loose and allowed forgiveness to rush in, all that was left was the damage I had caused myself and others. I was a hurt person who hurt people. It was time for my apology tour.

The final lesson I learned was that I can't be trusted. 

That "trust my gut" life I lived was gone. I have lost all confidence in me, Cherise. All of it is now in the God that saved me from me.

Proverbs 3:5-6 
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.